Miscarriage and Stillbirth Survey - Please Read - Your help is Needed

[Kimberly de Montbrun]

I would really love to be able to have as many responses to my following survey as possible, so that we can help as many women in as many different situations with the information. You may send the responses to me directly via e-mail or letter mail, or you may post them directly in this thread. If you post them directly here, your stories have the chance to  immediately impact the lives of other women and families, and the way that they grieve their losses. You will be helping women around the world with your experience and thoughts. Please feel free to copy and paste the following survey and email it to other mailing lists or friends who you know may be able to help.

Best wishes,  Kimberly

==============================================

Dear Parent of a Baby Lost to Miscarriage or Stillbirth,

I am in the midst of researching and writing a book about miscarriage and stillbirth memorial rituals. My goal is to provide families with the ability to create meaningful ways to say goodbye to their babies, and for friends and family to be able to support grieving parents. I intend to have this information available in a format that parents will be able to access immediately, so they may have it to help them through the days following their loss, and to assist them in attaining a sense of closure. My hope is that it will also be distributed to hospitals in hopes of having this information more readily available to care workers.

The questionnaire included below need not be completed in it's entirety, but is only a guide to sharing your experience. Please feel free to answer any of the questions you wish, and leave any that you do not wish to answer. If you would like to let me know about something that is not included in the questionnaire, please feel free to include that information as well.

It is my belief that miscarriage and stillbirth are still very taboo subjects in our society, which leaves so many families to suffer in silence. It is my goal that no mother or father should have to suffer such a devastating loss alone -that their loss will be recognised by friends and family, and society. Grieving is so essential to healing after a loss, it is not something that should be suppressed. I believe that families grieving the loss of a baby during pregnancy should have the same opportunity to remember their lost babies, create rituals and access societal supports as anyone else that has lost a loved one.

Please forward this questionnaire to other mothers, fathers, family members who have experienced the painful loss of a baby during pregnancy. Please also forward it to your support groups, and careworkers. The questionnaire may remain anonymous, or you may include identifying information as you wish. For entries that will be included in the book, there will be a memorial section at the back that will include a memorial for their baby/ies. If you wish your baby/ies to be included in these pages please let us know their name, gestation and date of loss so that we may include it.

In the questionnaire, I use ceremony, ritual and memorial all as words to describe the actions you have taken to formally mark your baby's loss, either for yourself or with others. Please take clergy to mean your religious or spiritual facilitator (ie. priest, priestess, minister, rabbi, etc.).

Sincerely,

Kimberly de Montbrun



Miscarriage and Stillbirth Memorial Rituals and Ceremonies questionnaire

At how many weeks gestation did you lose your baby?
Please tell us the story of your baby's loss.
Were you able to see your baby after it was delivered?
Did you spend time with your baby after it was delivered? Please describe.
Were you able to have your baby's remains after they were delivered?
If you were in the hospital, were you able to request to take your baby's remains home with you?

After you lost your baby, please describe your feelings. Were you in shock, or denial? Did you grieve? Please describe the stages of emotion that you experienced and their intensity. (please remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel after a loss, just what is)

Did you hold a ceremony or perform a ritual of any sort after you lost your baby?
 
If yes:
Was the ceremony or ritual performed by yourself, or another person?
Was the ceremony performed by a member of your clergy?
Who was present for this ceremony or ritual?
Would you have liked other people to be present to honour your baby's life, or would you rather it have been a private affair?
If other people attended, did you find that it helped to feel others around you to support you through your grieving?
If you had asked other people's attendance to the ceremony, what were their reactions to being included?
If you have other living children, did you include them in your ritual? What was their role? What was their reaction?

Please describe the ceremony with as much detail as possible:

Did you feel any sense of closure, peace, or relief after the ceremony was performed?
Do you feel that the ceremony was an integral part of beginning to heal your grief?
When you look back, is there anything that you wish you had of included in your ceremony that you did not?
When you look back, is there anything you regret about the ceremony and would have changed?

If no:

Would you have liked to have been offered the opportunity to have a memorial for your baby?
Would you have liked to have friends and family help to create a memorial for your baby?
Were you aware at the time of your loss that it was possible to have had a ritual/ ceremony for your lost baby, either on your own or led by a clergy member?
If you were not aware, would you have liked to have had those resources available to you to create your own ritual for your baby, or to seek help from somebody who could facilitate a ceremony for you?
If you did not/ do not want to have a memorial for your baby could you put into words why?


Please send completed questions to kimberly@labelledame.com or mail to:

Kimberly de Montbrun
2476 Trans Canada Highway
Flat River, PE
C0A 1B0
CANADA
(902)659-2331


Kimberly de Montbrun
Owner/ Designer: La Belle Dame Jewelry –
healing and memorial jewelry specalising in fertility,
 pregnancy, miscarriage and infant loss
http://www.labelledame.com

[jennifer chrisman]

I was 20 weeks pregnant when I went to the Dr. for a routine sono.  As the sonographer began, I knew something was wrong. I could see no movement, She measured his head, It wasn't the beautiful oval it had been previously, Then she said it, "I'm sorry, I am not finding a heart beat this time." In total shock I lay there, my stomach bare and covered with goo.  Waiting for the Dr to come and confirm, I held my husbands hand and told him I was sure the lady was wrong.  After all, he was fine two weeks ago? The Dr. came in and confirmed, no heartbeat. How could this be? He said the baby only measured 15wks, indicating he had been gone several days.  We were given our options, wait, induced labor, wait and then have induced labor?  I did not want any of these things. This baby belonged inside of me, he was part of me.  Idid so want to hold him and see him but I was afraid because we didn't know how long he had been gone. I was so afraid, and afraid to talk to anyone about it. I let my husband make the choice to go ahead and go to the hospital. What a feeling going into labor and delivery to tell them...My husband did all the talking.  They put us in a room with a leaf on the door to warn any who my dare to enter, this was a room of grief. The nurses were wonderful, they treated me just like what was happening, was happening. I had to give birth to and say goodbye to, my baby, my child. They were very kind as I cried, and answered all my questions.  I was thankful for that. I made them come with a ultra sound machine before I would take the medicine, still It was true.  SO it began.  30hr of waiting, They kept offering me pain med, I didn't want it. I wanted to feel my child be born. I wanted to be awake. I wanted to see him. I was by myself in the bathroom when he came. I called my husband, I was so afraid, I didn't know what to expect...He came in and took me back to bed, I was just crying...The nurses came, cleaned him off and asked if we wanted to see him.  My husband went over to get him and brought him to me. I was so afraid, Why? He was so small, His face so beautiful. His little fingers so perfectly formed. I didn't hold him them. I couldn't even think. I didn't know what to do. Then they wrapped him up and left. I took a shower and wept. After that I felt like my mind was a bit clearer. I asked my husband I get him for me, i wanted to hold him, I wasn't afraid anymore. When my husband went over to the little isolet where our son lay, he said "He's gone, honey." I guess he had been gone long enough that the affects of death, what I was so afraid of had taken there toll. So I didn't get to hold him, I will always be sorry that my fear kept me from having that time.  We named him Gabriel Paul, which means God's power and mercy.  I was right at 20 weeks, which in the state of TX means you by law you have to have a burial.   At least thats what they told us, so they changed the dates in the computer so we could let him be cremated there at the hospital and his ashes sprinkled in the memorial garden. We didn't have any where to bury him, no place were family is,and , I feel so guilty about this, it would be so expensive and we don't have the money, so we went with the hospital option. I am already sorry about this. Somehow I feel like we should do more, at the same time, I feel foolish for feeling this way. I am a very private person so I don't want to talk to anyone I know. In fact, this is the first time I have shared my story, and how I feel.  It feels safe, I know you have been through this and do not think I'm foolish or should  just get over it. I kept everything from the hospital, we got a little card with his hand prints, a tiny hat, cards, the leaf from our door, id bracelets. I wrote a email to everyone we know, a birth announcement, also a preemptive strike against any questions. I am looking to find a charm or something to have for always to remember him by. My grief is so deep, I still feel in shock, and sadder than I have ever been in my life. I know I am going to have to start talking to people again, but I don't want to.  I want to be sad, and cry and weep over the loss of my baby.  And I want everyone to leave me alone about it.  I think it would be nice to have a memorial, but I don't think I could goif anyone was there.  I am going to make him a little blanket with his name on it and put it in his box. It will be the most beautiful embroidery I have ever done. I am going to do his name in calligraphy and put it up with my other children's, and when people ask me how many children I have he will be counted in their number.  Looking back, I wish we could have taken him home somehow, maybe had his ashes or something, I want to do something for him, just me , his daddy and his brothers and sisters. I think that would help me feel better, maybe.  I just know that everyone thinks I'm nuts. I guess thats the hardest part. I mean, It seems like people are allowed to mourn the loss of a pet more than they are given time to mourn the loss of a child.  Feel free to use as much of my story as you like. My baby's name is Gabrial Paul, He was born 2/25/07 and was 20wks. Thanks

[shandy]

I was almost 42 weeks along and was planning a home birth with my Midwife and her Doula's. We were in the process of inducing with herbs and at 2:00 am my water broke. I had a lot of blood, but my Midwife told me it was ok and sometimes there is a lot of blood when your water breaks. She told me to keep her up if my contractions started, but It could be a while. I felt baby Noah kick me at around 3:30 am so I felt pretty good. I woke up at 6 and called my Midwife again to tell her I was worried about all this blood, but she didn't seem to think it was anything to worry about because I was still leaking blood with water. She said just make sure I am feeling the baby and to call her if things progressed or if I was worried. This was my first baby, so my husband and I really didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. About an hour later I was not feeling the baby move, so we decided to call her and have her meet us at her office to check things out. We got to her office and she checked me to see if I was dilated, but only about 2 cm at that time, then she checked for the baby's heartbeat. Up until this point there was never a problem finding the baby's heartbeat. I had been checked every week for the last month for a stress test and an ultra sound because the baby was small and I had slightly low amniotic fluid. My midwife could not find a heartbeat, so she told us to go to the hospital as fast as we could and they would be waiting for us. Well, at this point I am hysterical and my husband is in panic mode. We get to the hospital and they hook me up and for the next 10 mins. proceed to look for his heartbeat, nothing. I just laid there and cried and cried, my husband too. The Dr. came in with the ultra sound machine and looked at the baby, no heartbeat . He was so sad. We had gotten to know him almost as well as the Midwife because we were seeing him every week. He was a great Dr. and very supportive of home births. He was always available to our Midwife whenever she needed him. He didn't feel there was anything wrong and was supportive of us waiting after our due date, but was going to induce come the 42nd week. He stood in front of us now with very sad eyes and told us he had lost his 16 yo daughter not long ago and started to cry with us. All the nurses were crying and so nice and my Midwife was so sorry and so supportive. I was informed that they were going to induce and for me not to try and do this without pain meds. My Dr. told us we had gone through to much don't suffer through the pain for nothing. He said he would be back later to deliver our Noah for us. I was in total shock at this time. I started making phone calls one after another. I was so numb I just stopped crying and just did what I had to do. I had friends show up along with 3 doula's and our Midwife. They all said they were not going to let me do this alone. I told them they didn't have to stay, but one of them had been through this herself and did not want me to feel alone. It was the longest day of my life. I just remember all my friends holding me, loving me and my husband in and out of the room in tears and on the phone all day. One of the doula's told me please try and get some sleep because I had a very exhausting night ahead of me. By this time I was given an epidoral and was not feeling any pain, which is how I wanted it. Come 9 pm that night I was finally fully dilated and ready to push and all of a sudden I looked up and there was my Midwife and all 3 of the doula's, my husband and 1 of my best friends. It was like the angels arrived just in time to help me through this horrible time. I gathered strength I didn't know I had and pushed for 2 hours, finally the Dr. came and Noah Charles Hamilton was born, 7/31/08 at 10;55. He was the most beautiful angel I have ever seen, so perfect and looked so much like my husband. I didn't want to let him go and all I wanted him to do was breath, please let their be a miracle and breath, but he did not. They took him to the warmer while they had me deliver the placenta, which was adhered to my uterus wall. The cord was very weak, which is why Noah didn't survive labor. When my water broke and he dropped into my pelvis, the cord got pinched and could not sustain his little life. Had the cord been strong then he would have been ok, but it was not  meant to be for me this time. The best thing we ever did was have Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come out and take photos. What a wonderful organization they are, they do this for free. We are so glad we had this done. She took such wonderful pictures of us and Noah. She captured the sadness of my husband as he followed Noah around the room while they cleaned him up. We Then had him baptized and held him for what seem like an eternity. They told us we could keep him as long as we wanted and could see him all night if we wanted, but once we said good bye we couldn't see him again. It was just to hard, we both just wanted him to breath and wake up and all of this would be over. They told us we could have a memorial service for him and the funeral parlor offered this service for free. How incredible that was for us because we wanted to do anything we could for our sweet boy.
We left the hospital and the next day my Mom, Sister, Grandmother, Aunt and Friends all showed up at our house. Most of them flew or drive from Md and Ohio, we are in Pensacola, Fl. All heartbroken and ready to take care of us. So many of our friends, neighbors and co-workers wanted to help or at least attend a service, so my friend Belinda opened up her house for all these people and so many came to help set up, bring food and just show their love. We never knew how many people loved our Noah and us. And how many people could not wait for Randy and I to have a baby. They were all so heartbroken. We had at least 50 people show up. My Aunt and her girlfriend sang us a song and we read beautiful poems that people from all over had emailed to us. I never thought so many people cared, but there prayers and words helped so much. I didn't want it to end because I knew the pain would continue and the depression would set in. I never knew how many people have lost baby's. It really helps to have those people to bond with.
We had baby Noah cremated and we are going to bury his ashes at my parents farm where we will always know where he is.  We hope to be able to be parents again soon. I feel so in love with Noah and can not wait to love another.
Thank you for letting me share my story.